the drift

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Thursday, November 06, 2008

so i'm getting nervous

facing a weekend without my baby girl. for the first time. Jay is taking them all down to the Ozarks. If that weren't scary enough, he's going without me. But it's better that way, for reasons I won't bother to go in to.
So what does a one-time-reluctant stay at home mom do with her first 48 hours to herself since ... since ... um, when. when. i can't even say.
i have lots of freelance to do (thank you lord), even more projects around the house, and a very cloying part of me that is telling me, fuck it all and get out your paints. Draw, paint, draw some more. Go to the Nelson for one of those reverent walks you used to do alone on a Friday night. No date more interesting than Caravaggio. Go see that steampunk-inspired show they've had forever now.
I don't know. Are those things artifacts from a life gone by? Sometimes I hear myself talking about it, and I say, yes. I'm a mom now. I'm supposed to use my reading time and investigation time on shit like What number of plastic leeches into my kids' foods?, Should I be scraping poo off disposable diapers to avoid adding more methane to the air?, Is the baby formula tainted with melamine?
It's taking me awhile to assimilate both halves of this personality. It takes me awhile after the baby is born to start feeling like i'm not breathing for two 24/7. While I can feel the mother/cub thing sort of loosening up a bit, I'm still sniffing in the air for hints of danger or predators. It sounds crazy, I know. But being a mom is a differnt head space for me. For instance, Jay and I were talking about M.I.A. and her preg self up onstage somewhere doing Paper Planes and shooting her imaginary guns in the air. And I felt awed by her, and dually scared for her and also bewildered. You become a force of life-giving when you are a mother, and for someone who has always teetered on the edge of morbity and fascination, it's a 180. And I just wondered if she felt confused up there. Confused like I did. Or do.

2 Comments:

At 1:37 PM, November 07, 2008 , Blogger j said...

you can always do what the "ultimate mom" would do...all of it...hahaha. seriously - go to the nelson, take a stroll, paint, draw, read a book. when they get back you'll have experienced some of that old self. it can be a reminder that it still exists although it will probably be a different feeling - which could be exciting - and when your kids are older and they have play dates out of the house - you'll know that you are a mom but you also have that "old" self that you can go back to. one that we probably should not let go of so that we are not defined as just a mom. at least this is what i would do.

 
At 3:22 PM, November 07, 2008 , Blogger rubigimlet said...

doing the ultimate mom thing is a lot harder with my second.
I'll probably just wrap one of the 10 stories due on Tuesday. Pick out the paint for the den, move furniture and paint Bebe's bookshelf, find the books that should be hers, pick out some toys too, then head to Waldo pizza to see some friends in from out of town, head home and finish painting the bathroom.
Then we'll see what Saturday brings.

 

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