the drift

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Thursday, January 17, 2008

Morning Creepshow

Ok, so I'm reeling from a grisly discovery this morning. I'm making a fried egg for the little guy when i raise the kitchen trash can lid to dispose of the eggshell and i'm bitch-slapped in the face by the smell of jizz. Unmistakable, don't you think? And, keep in mind, with my pregnancy nose, the smell is amplified by a thousand so that it actually resembles the trashcan of an irreputable sperm bank.
The kind of sheer horror that prompts one to stare into the snarled metal of a roadside crash causes my eyes to fall on a perfectly preserved tableau of bachelorhood on display in my kitchen trashcan. An empty beer bottle, a crumpled bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and a seemingly non-descript fold of soaked toilet paper. I know immediately this is the calling card of our roommate.
For a moment, I'm paralyzed with disbelief -- mostly because in my effort to squash down the almost-full trashcan, I touched that piece of toilet paper.
With my heart racing I tell Jason our kitchen trash smells of jizz. He looks at me like I'm nuts. I open it for him, HE ACTUALLY PICKS UP THE SUSPECT PIECE OF TOILET PAPER and shakes his head and says with a completely straight face, "I don't smell anything" -- leaving me feeling like I'm going totally nuts. But his next action is telling: He ties of the bag and puts it outside. AH HA!
I say: "Um, you would flush that, right? Barring a childhood raised by wolves, one would never actually put a jizz rag in the kitchen trash -- much less the kitchen trash when you're not living by yourself? I'm crazy, right?"
His response: "Yeah, of course. I don't know anyone who would do such a thing."
My response: Take out the bleach water and spray down the entire trash can and inside the trash can. All the while trying not to puke.
I'm crazy, right?

6 Comments:

At 1:26 PM, January 17, 2008 , Blogger Jen said...

Holy shit!

 
At 12:17 AM, January 18, 2008 , Blogger Douglas said...

That IS pretty jacked up (no pun intended), but honestly I'm more surprised to learn that jizz has a smell.

 
At 1:42 PM, January 19, 2008 , Blogger Sarah said...

um, i didn't think it possible, but doug's comment leaves me even more unsettled than the entire story preceding it. Dudes can't smell jizz, WHAT????

 
At 6:23 PM, January 19, 2008 , Blogger pomegranate said...

i think jizz smells slightly on the bleachy side itself.

 
At 8:34 PM, January 19, 2008 , Blogger rubigimlet said...

i totally agree, pom. this is a universal understanding, or so I thought. Since telling this story I've actually had several guys remark, "Jizz has a smell?"

Um, yeah. It most definitely does.

 
At 4:04 PM, January 20, 2008 , Blogger B. said...

ah...ah...ahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...ahhhahahha...ahahahAHAHAHAHAHhahahahHAHAHAHhahah...

Oh FUCK I'm sorry...ohgod let me wipe...HAHAHAHAHA...the tears from my...AHAHAHAHAAHHA...face...okay...okayokay.

I'm better not.

Anyway...jizz smells like sauteed mushrooms. And that's not a good thing.

Did you two wash your hands after picking it up...? Dude.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

This really isn't funny. BUT...

 

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