the drift


Monday, March 09, 2009

non-consuming, ill-considered lenten attempt

i started off Lent this year with good intentions but no plan, unfortunately. I decided that I would go non-conspicuous consumer cold turkey. Well, let's just say I'm pretty much defeated at this point and more than a little disappointed in myself and my lack of commitment. i used to have this great resolve, this really wonderful ability to focus and put my head down and make things happen. I can still do that in a few areas of life, but for the most part, that part of my personality seems to have left me.
I know you're disappointed in me, too. At my failure to stick with this seemingly easy (not to mention full of self interest) form of Lenten fasting. It was harder than I thought. My goal was made up of smaller goals -- example: it's not enough to simply not buy non-essentials but I put the limit on myself not to do any window-shopping/internet browsing either. I think that's what did me in. I'm shocked at how much I look at products/supplies for greater things/clothes/you name it to sort of smooth away the stress of the day. Since I'm a mom now, I've learned to go without things that I used to love (dropping $$ at the bookstore, the art supply shop, clothing stores) and have supplanted that with simply browsing to get my fix. So I knew this activity had become part of my effed up value system and I knew that had to be cut out as well.
Like a true addict, days into the endeavor I could feel my skin itching at the sight of a clothing advertisement or as I considered how tired I was and how awesome it would be to buy a finished dinner instead of making one, or how long it has been since I bought shoes (thanks for the free ones by the way, El). By day 4 or 5 I was overcome. I will spare you the dirty details because I'm shaming myself publicly as it is.
I should've probably written about it throughout and maybe i would've had more success, but regardless, I've found a very tender spot in what I like to think is a pretty stable identity that's been assembled, deconstructed and reassembled over the last 31 years. I suppose the greatest win this year is that I'm now motivated to learn more about this, get a plan together, and try again next year.
In the meantime, there's a closet in need of organization bins and a toddler in need of size 3 jeans. I'll just try not to relish the shopping for those things so much.


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