the drift


Friday, March 20, 2009


when def leppard meets the obamapacolypse.

when conservative blogs meet up with radical conspiracy theories and give birth to morbid predictions of global catastrophe.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

the hybrids we drive are the hybrids we are

just say that phrase to yourself once or twice. now imagine it with a Romanian accent.

i'm totally biting Andrei Codrescu (NPR poet) which is a novelty in itself since i think his poetry is heavy-handed and his prose a bit too Creative Writing MFA for me. anyone who's ever endured a grad-level writing workshop will know exactly what i'm talking about.

and as i just wrote that, i realize i've implied that i drive a hybrid and proclaimed my creative writing 'education'. ouch. i sound like more of a hipster dbag than i intended but the point is this:

what have you heard/seen/smelled/touched/held today that struck you? i mean just struck you with that sort of eternal truth or beauty, you know, the kind that hints at the otherworldly. anything that put your wires down into the ether for sec?

is it too much to ask to have that on a daily basis? am i an ingrate for always expecting it?

no, no. it's not expecting. it's longing for. (btw, don't italics just SCREAM longing? ever noticed that?)

a taste of the eternal. maybe it's a remnant of the eastern European bloodlines i have, but damn, if those moments are the ones that keep my faith in a heaven and an existence that's better, broader, fuller beyond our earthly constraints.

I suppose it's in my blood to see everything as work. I had a boyfriend who used to tell me that I was descended from polish rutabaga farmers or something equally absurd and that is the reason for my approach to life as toil. And the reason for my pointy chin. (yeah, i was in that relationship on and off for about 5 years too long. talk about toil.)

Fine, so say I, toil I will take. If for no other reason than the starkness of my workaday world contrasting so richly with the transcendent moments.

Similar thing for my faith. If I make it to heaven, do you understand the vivid, just freaking VIVD, sense of joy a narcissist like me would feel in having been proved right?? I'm sure even if I don't make it to heaven, but I go to purgatory or hell -- I'll have the same level of joy in the validation of a life of spiritual toil was not for nothing. (That statement certainly underestimates the benefits of spiritual toil on our daily lives too, so don't get me wrong, I appreciate faith as a reward in and of itself.)

At any rate, folks, it's the same old song, sadness makes the happier times happier. and it's true. i swear this is why as we get older, life starts moving faster and faster. it's because our experiential knowledge base just gets broader and broader and the contrast of the shit with the glorious just becomes more and more vivid. and those glorious times just pass by faster and faster, because we KNOW WE'RE IN IT. like meta-living but so innate to the human existence as to be undetectable.

(that last bit was a little love note to my darling Bebe who turns over the 1 year leaf this week. we did it, my dear.)

Monday, March 09, 2009

non-consuming, ill-considered lenten attempt

i started off Lent this year with good intentions but no plan, unfortunately. I decided that I would go non-conspicuous consumer cold turkey. Well, let's just say I'm pretty much defeated at this point and more than a little disappointed in myself and my lack of commitment. i used to have this great resolve, this really wonderful ability to focus and put my head down and make things happen. I can still do that in a few areas of life, but for the most part, that part of my personality seems to have left me.
I know you're disappointed in me, too. At my failure to stick with this seemingly easy (not to mention full of self interest) form of Lenten fasting. It was harder than I thought. My goal was made up of smaller goals -- example: it's not enough to simply not buy non-essentials but I put the limit on myself not to do any window-shopping/internet browsing either. I think that's what did me in. I'm shocked at how much I look at products/supplies for greater things/clothes/you name it to sort of smooth away the stress of the day. Since I'm a mom now, I've learned to go without things that I used to love (dropping $$ at the bookstore, the art supply shop, clothing stores) and have supplanted that with simply browsing to get my fix. So I knew this activity had become part of my effed up value system and I knew that had to be cut out as well.
Like a true addict, days into the endeavor I could feel my skin itching at the sight of a clothing advertisement or as I considered how tired I was and how awesome it would be to buy a finished dinner instead of making one, or how long it has been since I bought shoes (thanks for the free ones by the way, El). By day 4 or 5 I was overcome. I will spare you the dirty details because I'm shaming myself publicly as it is.
I should've probably written about it throughout and maybe i would've had more success, but regardless, I've found a very tender spot in what I like to think is a pretty stable identity that's been assembled, deconstructed and reassembled over the last 31 years. I suppose the greatest win this year is that I'm now motivated to learn more about this, get a plan together, and try again next year.
In the meantime, there's a closet in need of organization bins and a toddler in need of size 3 jeans. I'll just try not to relish the shopping for those things so much.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Ex-Countrywide Leaders Profit on Loans Gone Bad -

Ex-Countrywide Leaders Profit on Loans Gone Bad -