the drift


Monday, April 14, 2008

guilty mom syndrome

set in last night and I cried before bed. Friday was Ro's last day at his school and he had to say good-bye to all his little homies. Of course, to him, it was pretty much like any other day getting picked up from school. I think he knew something was up though because he gave me lots of hugs when he got home. Anyway, in opposition to the more common scenario of a young mom crying as she leaves her child at school, I was crying because he won't be going anymore. I'm thinking about all the ways he's grown in the last 7 months. All the things he's learned. All his little friends and all the teachers he charmed... Will he manage to stay as engaged in the world even as he stays home all day with me and his infant sis? I just feel like I'm robbing him of his identity somehow. Of all the learning opportunities and interpersonal development he's had there.
It's breaking my heart. This morning, his first day home, he was cool for the first couple of hours, but then, without Dad there and no other distractions, he was like a caged animal. I really can't do much with him with an infant on my teet half the time. how am i going to do this.


At 12:21 PM, April 15, 2008 , Blogger katy ryan said...

I just want you to know that while you're going through the emotions of this intense experience, there are those, like me, who are sitting back and watching in complete and utter admiration. I can't imagine balancing two kids (especially a newborn!), a flourishing freelance career, a husband, a house and an active social/family life -- and all with grace, charm, wit and enough free time to blog. As Rob would say, "you're the bee's knees!"
Hope to see you soon, and to meet the princess!

At 3:53 PM, April 15, 2008 , Blogger Sum said...

I think you underestimate your bad-assness, yo. I mean, you have Bad Mother Fucker written on your wallet!

The real question is how are you going to do this and not make everyone jealous for making it look so damn good?

At 2:24 AM, April 16, 2008 , Blogger pomegranate said...

Yeah! I echo all that, especially the "making it look so damn good" and jealousy business. :)

I was thinking that today when I was feeling shitty like, geez, what if I was trying to also wrestle a toddler amidst my own blahness.

HOWEVER, it's 2 somethin' in the morning and I'm having trouble coming up with coherent thought BUT - someone (outside my workplace, of course) called me a "Trooper" for still working and then I felt good like, yeah, I'm a trooper and I should just keep on troopin' on!! So, I hope all our admiration of your badassness doesn't make you feel obligated to totally rock this stuff, ya'know? Because all I wanna do is tell my job to fuck off for awhile 'cause it feels abusive to my body but then I think oh, I can be a TROOPER and just work until I'm in labor and then I'll just walk up to the 3rd floor and deliver that thing! Maybe I can even do some patient care or something while I'm there...clock in a bit.
Now I feel weak and guilty for wanting to take care of myself??

So like.
What am I saying?
I don't know.
You don't need advice from me.
I won't pretend to have any.
I'll just cut myself off here and stop babbling nonsensically.

At 10:10 PM, April 17, 2008 , Blogger rubigimlet said...

thanks pom but i feel obligated to rock this stuff because it's the one chance i get. you don't get a do over as a parent and that thought is constantly right there at the front of my psyche. i'm a neurotic but i hope those powers can be used for good this once.


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