um, reality check
so 2wks post partum and i'm still bleeding and feeling a dull ache in my abdomen and my right knee is progressively swelling behind the kneecap. to the point i can't move it last night. to the point that i could barely walk on it and if i bend it, it feels like my knee cap is going to come shooting off. with doomsdayer visions of a DVT forming behind my knee, i can't resist googling the symptoms. the doc on call says it's rare, but my body is in high-gear for clotting right now so o have it checked out at the e.r. i feed the baby right before i leave --thinking morbid thoughts the whole time. everyone is pleasant and unrushed as i quietly freak out over my mom's daD who very unexpectedly died at 42 of a clot passing to his lungs. in other words, i'm panicking over nothing but my ability to go from zero to worst case scenario in under 3 seconds. they ultrasound the entire leg, i'm fine...i'm fine. they run my labs and find a small infection taking hold. so what's with the swelling? who knows, infection, post-baby edema weirdness, an old injury? regardless, sarah, you're 10 days post-partum. go home, rest, let your husband take care of things. from the first day home -- carrying a toddler up and down stairs, housecleaning, laundry up and down two flights of stairs, moving and organizing the baby gear to the garage, grocery shopping at 10 pm. what the hell??
2.5 hrs later i'm driving myself home to my sleeping babies and worried husband. realizing that i don't want to sacrifice my health to my type-A controlling b.s. like my mom has. if it means dirty litterboxes, unmatched outfits, half-assed dishwashing and my son wearing dirty socks for a few weeks, so be it. it's just going to have to be that way. i've got to heal first. i've got to give myself permission to.