the drift


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

home again ...

i'm here. i'm here. i just visited my backyard for the first time in what seems like eons. i'm here.
we have the best little birdies back there. stripey-headed finches, cardinals bright cocky red and warm motherly rust, even a damn woodpecker pecking away on the forgotten pines hanging over our depressed garage. so lovely with the patches of snow on the ground.
so here i am. the children in school a couple of days a week. pondering the future and where it might take us.
i've quit that god-awful job with the wonderful money. well, let's call it passable money. too much money for us, honestly. we don't need upper middle class. solidly middle class works for our value system well enough. we've done a lot on our house in a year. it's eventual decay and memory is now shored up for a good few years. god willing.
so i find myself sort of at the nexus of everything i ever thought i wanted. and it's amazing and hard to believe. my wonderful husband, my beautiful, bright children. my freelance strong. my heart stronger. a man i can depend on.
a man i can depend on.
rarer than a unicorn.
but there he stands.
telling me to take my time.
to draw and create. be the artist I am.
and goddamn it, i think he means it.
so i quit my job.
thankfully, never a girl without a plan b, i'd kept my best freelance customers and they will continue to be the padding to the nest egg but the real reason i'm here is to follow the path of my art. whatever that really is. wherever it actually leads.
i think perceptive did me a big favor. it killed whatever attachment to technical writing i'd ever had. the truth is, when i made that career choice, i never imagined a day when i wouldn't be the person i depended on. to pay my own way was the only option. i never dared to think there would be a person i would rely on to the degree that i wouldn't need to toil at a job i only minorly hated.
so me staying home is a dual pledge. him to me and our children to be the person we depend on to provide our financial and emotional base. me to him to be able to rely on him with everything i have. in some ways, my insistence on continuing my career was my last reservation in this marriage. the last roped off area of the life from before I knew him. And I'm scared but I believe in him. And he believes in me. And I'm walking through the door he opened.
Wish us luck, little ducks.
p.s. thanks for being my diary today.