the children are tucked up in their beds fast asleep

while i plot and plan my way into storycorps when their mobile unit is in town next month. if i get a slot, i'm so torn on who to take with me. my dad? ask him about nam and maybe about being a dad to 5 kids. my mom? ask her about being married to a PTSD suffering alcoholic and working in hospice for years? jason because he is a creative force? Ro to preserve his four year old brilliance on audio forever? Or maybe I'll interview myself. That isn't self-absorbed or anything.
i've been thinking a lot of being home with the babies again as i see all of these people i know sending their kids to kindergarten. it's a mere two years before i'm packing Ro up for a real school and my uterus is weeping at the thought already. there is word of some freelance work which, with the kids doing some daycare, would be much more doable that way.
this mothering stuff is full of angsting over decisions for them. i hope they have no clue and think this is effortless for me.
b and i were zoning on the couch the other day and i was combing back her hair with my hands a bit and she looked up and me and said, Mommy, you pretty eyes. And i said, Awww, Sis, YOU have pretty eyes. And she volleyed back with, Mama, you eyes pretty so I eat dem!!! And proceeded to make nomming sounds and lean into the eye area of my face. and i couldn't help but laugh and laugh. what a complete goofball. at 2 years old. she's my dream daughter, hands down.

Gay Hands

So, at my relatively new job, there's this guy on one of my teams and I (with great sensitivity) call him 'Gay Hands'. They flutter like little nervous birds when he's explaining his work. Not a definitive by any means, taken on its own. There's a gold band on the left hand. And he's got just the slightest hint of fussiness in his inflection. Ending consonants are just a little too tight. He somehow always mentions watching football in literally every non-work-related convo we have. He even pantomimed a remote and said "isn't any football on?" I think it was the pantomiming that sealed it for me.
At any rate, I make no judgments. I simply notice these sorts of details and they, often against my will, aggregate into an idea of his deepest darkest secret. A poorly kept one to be sure. And truly, I want to more oblivious. I don't want to know that he has a loveless marriage and he watches football for questionable reasons.
Because it sort of breaks my heart when he makes a football comment. Or he says to me, "I'm going to explain this to you like my wife would explain it to me."
Really? Ok.
I have a hard time making eye contact. I'm sure he senses my discomfort and I hope he doesn't misread it. I'm not uncomfortable because of him; I'm uncomfortable FOR him. I don't want him to see my ponderings flash across my face.
I heard recently a piece of dialog somewhere to the effect "Isn't it the damnedest thing ... We can never see the problem with ourselves but it's apparent to everyone else the second they meet us."
Godspeed, Gay Hands. May you clutch a peen or two in life if ever you are ok with the reality of it.

i've been thinking about you; have you been thinking about me?

blog i miss you when i'm gone. i've been thinking about you a lot and where my mind's been.

well, it's been a lot with our friend J this year. Yeah, pretty much all year. she's 35 and lost her husband in a helicopter crash last September. he left this beautiful life behind, the kind of life few of us ever are gifted with. i think about him a lot. i think about the magnitude of losing a person so dear. the father of my children. i pray for her always. and i stand by her on her journey. and it's not been easy but i'd have not done a thing differently -- for once in my life.

i've been thinking on me a lot too and the work i need to do. we all have work to do, and i've got plenty of it just waiting to be scooped up and plated.

and i love singing. i have an ok voice, but i love and i transcend when i sing. did you know that about me? that i can be seen on the occasional late night driving down State Ave and belting out Neko Case songs as best as my little untrained throat can? well, i do. and sometimes i cry too because i'm emo as shit.

and i'm apparently an introvert. everyone but me is surprised by this. i find human interaction generally perplexing, mostly draining and periodically self-flagellating. most people in the world are extroverted thinkers. i think this explains a hell of a lot.

and i think that's good for tonight. it feels right to be here and i hope to settle back in in short order.

enjoy this KS thunder. it's like a secret in a very loud whisper.