there's something about telling your father you're a cobbler

i cleaned this weekend. the art room was a mess. nowhere for me to paint. truly i feel unwelcome there but in hopes that i could force that feeling away with organization, i picked through, tossed junk and set up the beautiful easel my mom bought me. painting is a solitary thing for me. it's tough to do in someone else's space.

later i skated. and last night i drank a lot of wine.

sometimes when things are so easy, i get nervous. i tried to tell this to jason. but his tight grasp on reason prevents a full understanding of this i think. solid reason, his religion.

so i wonder - is it a guy thing to think in 'i' and a girl thing to think in 'we'? really, i don't know. i would say "we watched a lame movie saturday." he would say "i watched a lame movie saturday." there is something not quite forthright about that phrasing.

there are secretive aspects of him. are all men that way?

we talked about some friends who have stayed apart a couple of nights a week throughout their relationship because of work travel. jason quite poignantly stated that he didn't think that would be so tough to do. i think it would be. it's all or nothing with me. if i wanted to be alone, i would choose to be alone. period. i have never been one of those girls who can't be alone. because i never really am alone. i've always been able to go anywhere and meet people and have a good time. i don't need a boyfriend, if that's the life i'm going to lead.

many dreams last night. but they all flew out when i started writing this.