antarctica or the society islands?

in front of my desk at work i have a large map of the world pinned to the side of my greige cublicle wall. --actually behind the map is a window, or one of those plexi-pseudowindows installed in an attempt to make what is essentially a file drawer for humans somehow appealling-- i keep it there for when i'm feeling especially ineffectual in life or work as a promise of better things and places to be found, if only i can find the motivation to seek them.

years have passed looking on the map, occassionally placing a blue dot over a city or country, marking it off the 'seek' list and adding it to the 'nothing found' list.

ultimately i'm looking for freedom. ultimately i'm looking for love. in fact i've had a little of each, but never of the heart-stopping variety i dreamed about as a child. what freedom i've found, i've also tempered with practicality. what love i've found, someone cruel has beat me there first; never again would it lay itself plainly and carelessly out before another. no love has ever quite convinced me.

i've imagined that others experience these things. maybe they were braver in the face of solitude. maybe they had more faith. maybe they were just unabashedly crazy, or maybe they just convinced everyone of the fact. whatever it is, one day, i have to believe i'll stumble upon that kind of purity of emotion.